AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk. PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the F.B.I. or the C.I.A. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence. ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20) You are the pioneer type. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick. TAURUS (Apr 21 - May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddam Nazi. GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. CANCER (June 21 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer. LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This shit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps. LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you're probably queer. Changes of employment lead to are expected because of your inability to cope. SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are not worth the time of day. CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.